When Can Silence Hurt?
Most of us have heard that silence is golden. But sometimes silence can hurt.
We held one of those infamous garage sales at our home recently–the kind where you clean out closets, drag out forgotten things from under beds, and purge the garage of stacked “stuff” that won’t fit into your house. It’s always fun to meet interesting people who stop by to view your wares. Occasionally, they’ll stay long enough to share personal stories.
This sale was no exception. An attractive boomer-age woman who came by told us of an experience that happened to her mother years earlier. This is my paraphrase of her story:
Her mom had just moved to a large metropolitan area and was hoping to meet and make friends in her new home. She joined several organizations, including a local church. But no one would befriend her. No one even spoke to her.
Is it my deodorant? My clothes? The way I talk? A hundred questions raced through her mind, but she found no answers. Women seemed to avoid her as if she had a contagious disease. No one spoke to her or invited her to their home.
Finally, her mother decided to confide in one woman whom she respected, one of the women leaders in the church women’s organization. “What’s wrong with me? Have I angered someone? Why is everyone avoiding me?”
The woman leader frowned slightly and looked around, then spoke in a hushed tone. “Are you sure you want to know?”
“Of course, I do. Please, if you know something, tell me!”
The leader continued in a soft whisper-voice. “It’s–it’s the company you keep.”
“The company I keep? What do you mean?”
She took a deep breath and said, “It’s your lifestyle. You have police cars coming and going to your house, night and day. A woman of your reputation and your kind of company, um, doesn’t exactly paint a good, wholesome picture. The ladies are offended by this kind of activity.
Her mother’s eyes widened as a she tried to stifle a grin. “Would you do me a favor? Ask some of the ladies to come to my home this Tuesday for lunch. I’d like to show you something.”
“Well, um, I don’t know….” The woman stammered, shaking her head.
“Please, just ask. You and the ladies come at 12:00 Noon this Tuesday. I’ll have lunch waiting.”
The ladies decided to go together as a group and accept her mother’s invitation. But when they arrived at Noon on Tuesday, just as they expected, police cars surrounded her mother’s home. Her mom invited the women in and took them immediately to her kitchen where she had prepared lunch. Eight uniformed police officers sat at the kitchen table, eating lunch.
Turning to the women, then pointing to the policemen, her mother smiled and said, “I want you to meet some special people in my life: “This is my husband, my brother, my son, my son-in-law, my brother-in-law, my nephew…They’re all police officers.”
The mother had no problem with friendships from that point on.
Silence is not always golden. And the absence of words can do just as much damage as speaking harmful ones. We may not start a juicy morsel of gossip. But saying nothing is just as bad, especially if we believe without checking out the truth for ourselves.
Words originate with thoughts. And God knows the thoughts of our hearts. Things are not always as they seem. Judging–or jumping–to the wrong conclusions can discourage the hearer. And who hasn’t been the victim growing up at one time or another with the powerful effects of “the silent treatment?” To “ice” others by refusing to acknowledge their presence or to express our disapproval of them may prove a point, but it won’t win friends. Both of these methods involve an intentional withdrawal of affection. It’s so–pharisaical and just plain, mean-spirited.
God knows our need for encouragement. “Encourage one another daily,” (Hebrews 3:13). Encouraging words are like warm blankets that ward off hurtful, icy blasts. And in the wintertime moments of our lives, we all need a warm blanket.
Have you ever misjudged someone? Or been the object of someone’s hurtful gossip? How has someone been a “warm blanket” for you with their encouraging words? Remembering how it feels may help you go searching in your spiritual closet for some spare blankets. Those kind should never be sold in a garage sale. Instead, dispense them freely to everyone you meet.
Comments
17 Responses to “When Can Silence Hurt?”
Got something to say?
Rebecca Barlow Jordan is a best-selling inspirational author and speaker, mom, wife, grandmom, and passionate follower of Jesus who loves to encourage others, heart to heart.
it is very much thoughtful
This is a great, thoughtful and very touching story that everyone
should read !!!
Thanks Rebecca for sharing it.
Keep up the good work.
Take care and God Bless from Betty
Thank you Rebecca, I needed this. I have been rejected by females all of my life and know to well how much it hurts and how lonely it is. Now I have lived in Oklahoma City for over a year to find out that they (hate) Texas. I was born and raised in East Texas and love my state. While the football season is going on it is almost too much to handle. I even have to hear pastors put down Texas. Can’t really think of anywhere I have been here where I haven’t heard a nasty put down of Texas. Thank you for this, I really needed the hug.
Blessings,
Terri from Texas
Chidi,
Thank you for your kind words.
Rebecca
Betty,
I appreciate your comments and your encouragement.
Blessings,
Rebecca
Terri, I’m sorry for your past hurts and loneliness from rejection. Texas is a great state. The kind of experience I wrote about can happen anywhere. But any place is a great place when God is there with us. Your comments doubly remind us to be sensitive, encouraging, and caring to others. God bless and thank you for sharing your experience.
Blessings, Rebecca
Rebecca,
I love your new Web site and your blogs. I had to chuckle a little because we live one alley over from the historic district in our town, but many of the homes are in disrepair now and all kinds of people, some not so kind, live around us.
We also have a police car at our home, not every week, but later in the evening, and I wonder what people think of us. It’s our son, who is also a cop and works the late shift. Maybe his car helps keep us safer. Who knows? Thanks as always for your words of encouragement and for showing us the heart of the Father through your writings.
Warmly,
Karen
Karen,
Thanks for your encouraging words and your own “story.” I appreciate your comments.
Blessings, Rebecca
Hi Rebecca,
I smile as I write this because I was thinking how much I wanted to contact you to thank you for the beauty and warmth of your on-line devotionals I read every morning. I chuckle because I used to work with 250 Police Officers
My heart is also heavy, as I’m going through the worst heartbreak of my life. I moved my entire life to another province to marry the man who promised to love me forever; yet, in less than 3 months he ended it…. the worst part was the SILENCE as he and his grown daughters wouldn’t say a word to me the last few days. I was packing my things with tears coming down my face & they walked right on by me like I was invisible ~ it was horrible & mean as you put it best!
Well, I am thankful for support of friends & family, back in my home land now “Vancouver, B.C.” ~ Daily in Your Presence brings me comfort & always seems to speak directly to me.
Bless you always & indeed!
Fiona
Fiona,
Thanks for taking the time to write and for your special words about my devotionals. I’m so glad God uses them to speak to you. I also hurt for you in this recent heartbreak and loss. It is good that you have friends and family to support you at such a difficult time. May God’s Word speak loudly to you with volumes of encouragement as He reassures you daily of His love for you. He never disappoints!
Blessings, Rebecca
Rebecca,
Your encouragement is timely and appreciated. It’s so comforting to know that we can connect as women, as daughters of heaven regardless of where we live or the fact that we haven’t met… there are no strangers in God’s arms of love, as He carries us through the storms of life. I was journaling today and sharing my heart with the Lord, praying for his PRECIOUS daughters, so many who are hurting, so many who strive to know their worth in HIM ~ may we all be blessed and encouraged to hold onto the hem of His garment, that we may know His full potential for our journey.
Blessings Always,
Fiona
Rebecca, congrats on your new blogsite!
It’s beautiful. I know it will encourage many people.
I love this story and it reminds me to not judge prematurely. We as women seem to be good at discerning and seeing through falsehood at times, but at other times we can jump o conclusions. Thanks for the reminder!
Thanks, Dena!
I appreciate your words so much.
Blessings, Rebecca
This is indeed a great reminder not to judge without getting to the truth of the matter! Always get the story from the horse’s mouth!
Too often we try to live by the maxim “see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil” without realizing that we have passed judgment over others deep within our hearts — hence, the silent treatment.
Great story!
Ebonie, that’s so true. Thanks for the confirmation and additional reminder not to judge without knowing the truth.
I moved to a small town and went to the catholic church their and everyone doesn’t speak to each other so after 10 years of silent treatment i had enough,i say my rosary at home and go to a spiritual church where everyone hugs you and talks to you,I try to be a friend to the woman and they won’t talk to me,all my life i suffer that way,thru school and work,That why i have men friends but i would love to meet up with woman that are like me.
Mary, I am so sorry this has been a difficult area in your life. I wasn’t clear if the women at the new church you decided to attend have offered you friendship or not, or if you were talking primarily about your former church. Either way, I will be praying that God will bring those women into your life who could meet that need for you. Thank you for your comments.