Ten Steps to Healthy Friendship Confrontations & Book Giveaway
What happens when a friendship is interrupted? How do you handle confrontation with a friend? How do you deal with a sensitive or hurtful situation without fear of ruining the relationship? In Friendship Interrupted, Judy Dippel and Debra Whiting Alexander deal openly with situations like these and so many more.
Judy offers these words about her book:
“Friendship Interrupted brings relief and clarity to challenges, suggesting changes and choices that can individually be made to mend and maintain valued friendships, or explains how to know when it may be best to simply “let go” and move on. The solutions offered help each woman know “what she can do” in her situation. It has a fresh, informed perspective that sheds new light on individual habits, actions and reactions, and those of others. This book inspires healthy relationships with each other and with God.”
Here are ten steps to healthy friendship confrontations found in one of Dippel’s chapters:
-
First, pray and give thanks for your friend.
-
Be clear about your feelings, motivations, and purpose before talking to the person.
-
Pick a convenient, undistracted time and place that suits both of you.
-
Commit to an honest discussion and agree to stay on track.
-
Use statements that begin with “I…” instead of “you…” “I” statements minimize defensiveness and language that may sound or feel attacking.
-
Be willing to listen to one another’s needs and perspectives without interruption.
-
Repeat back to your friend what you hear them saying and vice versa. Check the accuracy of what you heard.
-
Admit your part in the problem.
-
Confront the problem, not your friend.
-
Remind yourself that you cannot change other people, but you can change yourself. You don’t have to prove yourself right. Instead, you can agree to disagree. Sometimes it’s best to focus on reconciliation of the relationship rather than resolution of the problem. It’s great to have both when you can, but if that’s not possible, make it a goal to put the well-being of your relationship first.1
1From Friendship Interrupted, (c) 2008, by Judy Dippel & Debra Whiting Alexander, Ph.D., Used by Permission.
Friendship Interrupted celebrates women’s friendships without shying away from the nitty gritty problems that can affect those relationships. The book offers practical solutions, combined with spiritual principles and sensitivity for women who are dealing with issues like loss, envy and competition, danger, betrayal, and differences that may emerge in any friendship relationship. You can find out more about Judy and her book, which is also available on kindle, at Judy’s website.
Book Giveaway
I’m also offering a book giveaway for Judy’s book, Friendship Interrupted. If you’d like to be entered into this drawing, please leave a comment below and I’ll announce the winner on July 23.
How Have You Handled a Confrontation with a Friend?
Would you share your comments below? Your words might encourage someone today! You will not be hounded, prodded, or automatically added to my mailing list if you do so. Feel free to email this Christian blog to someone or to re-post on Facebook, Twitter, or other social media, using the buttons below. If you want to re-post any of my blogs on your own blog or website, please contact me for permission first. And if you’d like to, you can sign up for my blog/newsletter and updates at the top of this website page/sidebar. Your e-mail address will never be sold or given to anyone!
Comments
13 Responses to “Ten Steps to Healthy Friendship Confrontations & Book Giveaway”
Got something to say?
You are so important to me! As an inspirational author and day-voted follower of Jesus, I love to paint encouragement on the hearts of others just like you.
Rebecca’s Newsletter
Free! Subscribe and receive "20 Day-votional Truths To Live By."
New! Mornings with Jesus 2013 Devotional
DAY-VOTIONS BOOK SERIES
Categories
Recent Posts
Hear Rebecca Online
American Christian Fiction Writers
I find that when there’s a problem in one of my relationships it’s because I AM offended! So I have a little thing called “The Stew Method”, so I don’t STEW in it.
1)YES, YES, YES PRAY!
2)I thank God for: the relationship, the chance to grow closer to the person by seeing them thru God’s eyes and loving them thru God’s heart and …
3)I ask God to teach me: about me and how I need to change in how I relate to people. I also ask for God to show me and teach me more about this person and people in general.
4)I like to wait up to 1 day to see or call this person (emails and such can cause more problems and besides in person it’s much easier to give good hugs).
5)I NEVER wait longer than 3 days-that’s way too long to STEW in a bad feeling.
6) I always start out the conversation in a non-abrasive way-”I think that I might have miss understood….” “Tues when we were talking about_____ I might have said______wrong way and I want to make sure that you know where my heart is….” or “When we were talking about _____ I want make sure know I care so I had a questions about how you felt when I said _____”
7)then LISTEN
90% of the times that I’ve been offended or I have offended it HAS BEEN A MISUNDERSTANDING!!!!!
Good blessings and good frienships to you!
Most of the times people i got involved do not seems to be wrong and even has not really learnt so much about friendship or relationship. But having this understanding myself makes me to continually pray anytime there is misunderstanding and also see with the eyes of God what He wants me to learn from each situation.
I looked for means of having audience with the person and express my mind and also try hear what was in the mind of the fellow. Many atimes it is the area of my walk and committment to the Lord that some of them do not understand, may be they have had the experience of God’s dealings in that area. But i do as much as possible to come out and explain some of God’s dealings in my life so as to promote healthy friendship. If need to apologise i do even if seem not to me.
I am struggling with all kinds of friendships and family situations. I am 62 years old, a born-again believer, a mom of 2 children, grown and married and serving the Lord, I am divorced after 33 years of marriage, and alone now. It is so very hard to survive financially, and now the challenge of Christian friendships is not going well. I”m finding out that my quiet and soft spoken demeaner is being taken advantage of to the point that I am ending relationships with people because of the hurt and pain that I am enduring.It’s a long story, but I know that I need to grow in the Lord in this and so many other areas of my life, at age 62, and I’ve been a Christian for over 35 years, but all of a sudden I realize that my self worth and my significance is so very damaged.This is effecting every area of my life,I know that the Lord wants to teach me so many truths about life through this painful situation. I have feared people, being rejected, not feeling loved, and all of those things that keep one in bondage. Now my thoughts and my thought life is a battle, as I see how I am viewed as a person who can be spoken to in any way and I will just take it. There is so very much that has to change in how I respond to every situation and every relationship, with my children and their spouses, in the work force, as I struggle to survive financially, and trying to connect in the Christian Community as a divorced woman, it is so very hard. As I am a loner, I would rather just shut everything and every one out to avoid the pain. I know I have shared so very much, and friendships are just part of what has to change in my life. Learning how to speak the truth in Love, how to engage in friendships that are authentic, how to truly understand who I am in Christ Jesus, are skills and needs that I know I must understand if I will ever be able to move forward. Thank you, Sincerely, Carol Ann Madden
I appreciate all the comments above. Carol Ann, I especially want to encourage you to rely on who God made you to be, and not rely on the people around you to define who you are or what you should do, whether they are Christian or not. To me, it sounds as if there is a need to like the person you see in the mirror. I feel only with God’s input through his word to us one-on-one, and with the help of a trusted, skilled, professional Christian therapist can we leave many of the unhealthy habits, or poor self-esteem behind. I don’t presume to know your situation, but I encourage you with some of the suggestions we make in the “You” chapter of our book. 1.) What have you already learned from this experience. Give yourself credit; set goals of how you want to change. 2.) Give yourself permission to let go of past failures or choices you might regret; God can help you rid yourself of guilt and failure; get “trusted” professional help if you need to. 3) Forgive yourself! You didn’t know yesterday what you know today; growth comes from following God’s lead and practicing self-forgiveness and love towards yourself. Tenderly cultivate loving yourself 4.) When intrusive negative thoughts from the past prevail, tell yourself “that was then, this is now.” Today is a new day of opportunity to move towards the person you want to be. 4.) Trust God’s promise to use everything you experience in life for his purposes. He will, one baby step at a time. A few other things… 1) consider volunteering in an area that really interests you, outside your current church and circle of friends. Start fresh. 2.) Allow yourself to seek new opportunities, trying to keep personal insecurity in check. 3) A day can be better by first looking in the mirror, “I love myself, because God loves me.” And who knows better than him my worth and value?” 4.) As you start fresh each day, laugh at yourself, or seek out people who make you laugh in general. That lightens your load, and is so good for mental, emotional health. I think my book may offer you many tips that could help. Cheap therapy, and excellent time with God through the scripture and Christian perspective. I pray God’s hand on you, journey on in him, know “you can do all things in Christ Jesus who strengthens you.” Phil. chapter 4 is one of my favorites. Check it out. I love this quote, at the very end of our book, “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” –George Eliot (George is a woman!) May God bring an unexpected blessing to you today…Judy Dippel
Thanks, Debbie, for your comments. Good advice to include in helps for friendship confrontations.
Jolaade, I also appreciat your comments. Thanks so much for writing!
Carol Ann, Thank you for your courage in writing. I think Judy is offering some very helpful advice. Please know that you are not alone in your situation. Regardless of your circumstances, many women struggle with those same issues in their lives: financial struggles, identity in Christ, relationships, rejection, etc. But God has never left you. Nor will He ever. Be patient with yourself. We want to encourage you today to keep on in your pursuit for wholeness again. God does love you deeply and cares about every area of your life. In addition to Judy’s advice, may I encourage you to read and cling to the words in Psalms. During times of depression for me in the past, they were a lifeline of restoration…Rebecca Jordan
A friend is SO much more important than petty differences. I will gladly back down if a disagreement occurs just to spare my friend’s feelings. You need to ask yourself this question: In light of eternity, does this issue really make any difference?
I posted the last comment prior to reading the previous posts. (Bad idea!) I did not intend for those comments to be a part of the thread. I have been in Carol Ann’s position, and it is very hard. But trust that, no matter what your age, God still has a plan for your life. Make Jesus your best friend!! He will NEVER hurt or disappoint!
I feel for Carol Ann, but I too am a loner , saved for 35 yrs, empty nester , married 36 yrs ….I can relate to her. I had to end a friendship years ago with a dear friend because we saw raising our teenagers differently wit all the stress that goes with raising a teen and then to see a good friend give in to her daughter because she didn’t want to bother with discipline was disheartening. Since that time I have been very scared of getting too close to anyone. I belong to a bible study at church and truly enjoy it I see my Christian sisters for coffee and it’s great, but I still keep my distance. I am a quilter and would love a quilting buddy but I am cautious…because of my past hurts I rather do things on my own terms. My past friend use to quilt with me but her quilt had to be worked on first etc… So I am Leary but hopeful that I will find that God given friendship.
It is tough to put yourself out there again, and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Sometimes it may just seem easier to not let people in … and sometimes there is a season that it is good to spend daily time with the Lord, and in his word, to come to a place of peace and perspective. To come to a place of acceptance and love for the person he’s made us to be. I’ve done that before, when I was terribly hurt over a friendship. It took awhile, but I learned so much about myself, and grew in the Lord; I am a person who has been fortunate to have all kinds of friends, all different from one another, which stretches me. Whatever the situation, I believe that God created us for relationship, and if we take what we learn from the previous hurt, or even the good, and apply new choices, new habits … it can be so rewarding. I still think finding a group, like a quilting group, to become part of is a great way to broaden your circle of opportunity to make acquaintances, who may grow into friends.
If your hurt can be set aside as you venture out, and perspective is switched, and you think of the kind of person you want to act like and be, RATHER than how you want others to be towards you, it eases the stress. Just be you!
In the book, we talk about “leaving a legacy” of friendship … to do that we can ask, “What do I want my friends to say about me when I’m gone?” How you answer that, demonstrates what is important to you, and can also guide how you choose to act towards those you call friends. Simplistic, but I hope you get the gist… thanks for writing, ladies! More people are in your boat than you know… many share your feelings, but mask them. God bless you!
Thanks, Karen, for your thoughtful comments and words of testimony. It so helps others to know they are not alone. In reality, Jesus is the Only One who will never disappoint!
Miriam, we so appreciate your honesty and willingness to share, too. Being hurt in the past can indeed leave us cautious and afraid of intimacy with others. For me, in times past, I ultimately discovered the pain of aloneness was actually worse than the pain of risking vulnerability again. Differences can challenge us, but as Judy said, they can be rewarding. Even some of my closest friends don’t always see eye to eye with me. (Neither does my husband! ) That’s because we are all created so uniquely and are all in search of the right answers–and all in search of meaningful relationships. Ultimately we all want to fill that vacuum in our lives with God, because He is the only perfect One. We are the imperfect ones! So glad you are continuing to be a part of a women’s group. May the Lord in time, give you courage to take small steps toward finding the closer relationships you desire. I applaud your courage in taking the first step: writing today, speaking to others about your desire and need. God will honor that!