From Pam and Bill Farrel’s Love-Wise website come these words:

We have been fascinated with the question, ‘How?’ ever since we met. When we got married we knew three things: (1) We love Jesus. (2) We love each other. (3) We have a lot to learn if we want to have a successful marriage. That created a passion in our hearts to figure out how relationships work. We have sought answers to these questions through reading books, our own personal growth as a couple and through professional research. We honestly believe anyone can have great relationships so we have devoted our lives to sharing the practical insight we have learned with as many people as possible. We are excited that you are joining us in discovering how to make all your relationships work better.”

Have you ever asked questions such as, “How can a couple have a successful marriage? How can men and women communicate in a way that works? How do men and women use their differences to enhance their lives rather than drive each other crazy? How can a couple get good at making decisions together? How do you forgive someone who has hurt you? How can a man and a woman develop strong careers and stay in love?”

If you are interested in questions such as these, you will thoroughly enjoy Bill and Pam’s books and seminars.

Both Bill and Pam Farrel have written some great marriage books. They make a great team! Today’s book giveaway features Pam’s new book, 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband.  Here’s my brief review of Pam’s new book:

Book Giveaway: 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband

Pam Farrel’s new book, 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband, is packed with plenty of loving, humorous, and fun ideas to keep the spark alive in your marriage. With her usual godly wisdom and lighthearted style, she encourages women toward a more satisfying, surprising, and intimate relationship with their spouse and with the Lord. No matter what age or stage you’re at, you’ll want to keep this book handy for both practical and creative ways to keep the “wow-factor” in your marriage.

Find out more about Pam and her books on their website here.

How to Win Pam’s Free Book

To be entered in the drawing for today’s giveaway, just leave a comment on today’s blog below, telling me why you would like to win the book. The contest will close in two weeks, on October 25. Pam has graciously agreed to donate a copy of her new book for this drawing.

And if you’ve already read Pam’s book and want to add your own words of recommendation, please leave your comments below as well. (You can still win a book and give it away to help encourage someone else’s marriage.) You will not be hounded, prodded, or automatically added to my mailing list if you do so. Feel free to email this blog to someone or to re-post on social media, using the buttons below. If you want to re-post any of my blogs on your own blog or website, please contact me for permission first. And if you’d like to, you can sign up for my blog/newsletter and updates at the top of this website page/sidebar. Your e-mail address will never be sold or given to anyone!

Sign up for my blog/newsletter and keep watching for more book giveaways. I plan to do more of those in the future!

photo by RBJ

No matter how long we’ve been married, all of us need to spring clean our marriage often. I wrote this several years ago, but the principles still apply to marriage, individual hearts, or any relationship:

Is It Time to Spring Clean Your Marriage?

By

Rebecca Barlow Jordan

Just as a house needs a thorough spring-cleaning after a long, dormant winter, so do our marriages. As we sweep out the cobwebs in the neglected corners of our lives, we’ll discover a new sparkle and shine. Here are eight ways to freshen up your marriage:

• Develop a plan for your cleaning ritual. What areas will you attack first? Personal disciplines? Attitudes? Neglected appearances? Habits? Expectations? Communication? List the goals you want to accomplish in your marriage. Be specific. Without a detailed plan, you’ll miss some hidden corners.
• Sort through accumulated expectations. Most marriages begin with hidden agendas of his or her expectations. If a wife expects her husband to continue romancing her after the honeymoon and he fails, resentment may follow. A husband who secretly longs for a wife like his mother may set himself up for disappointment when his wife exhibits the opposite behavior. Be realistic with each other about meeting needs. Although God is the only one who can meet your total needs, a mutual exchange of longings and wishes will encourage give and take and help avoid unnecessary hurt.
• Discard old habits. Keep a journal of old personal patterns and childish behaviors. Note negative emotions and describe your feelings. Ask yourself, “Could I be taking this situation personally? What does God want to teach me here? Did I in any way cause this?” Even housecleaning experts need extra help to destroy unwanted, moldy habits and to filter out compacted dirt.
• Mend the tears of broken relationships and hurt feelings. A stitch in honesty and forgiveness will save years of unraveling. Love is eager to settle differences. Godly love is neither blind nor faultfinding. True love sees weaknesses but rallies to cover them with strength, compassion and encouragement.
• Clean out forgotten closets. Family therapist Dixon Murrah says, “Secrets destroy family unity.” Though you may hesitate to reveal hidden skeletons to your mate, remember that marriage intimacy is based on honesty and trust. As you share your family background, open your heart to the negative hurts as well as to the joys of your past. It is always easier to deal with the known than the unknown. And when you understand the “whys” of your mate’s compulsive behaviors or peculiarities, you’ll find a greater capacity for gentleness and love.
• Replace worn-out clothes of bitterness with new garments of praise. This will require time for personal discipline with the Lord in prayer and Bible study. Meditate on His Word daily, and you will find your marriage adorned with new beauty.
• Vacuum up the spills of harsh words and thoughtless deeds. During emotional or physical stress, even the best of marriages suffer temporary dysfunction. Chart monthly cycles if necessary, and plan your activities accordingly. After years of premenstrual syndrome suffering (I used to call it pre-monster syndrome), I finally learned to prrogram my schedule around high energy days.

• Polish your marriage often with generous coats of compliments and caring behaviors. Continue this maintenance program daily, not just at once-a-year spring-cleaning time. Catch your mate doing something noteworthy, and give word gifts of praise. Exchange caring behavior lists with each other… the things you’d each like your spouse to do for you.

No matter how perfect a housekeeper you think you are, stop and spring-clean your marriage often. You’ll improve its value by 100 pecent.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life” Psalm 139:23-24 NLT.

What about you? What areas of your life or marriage need spring cleaning? What other “spring-cleaning” tips would you suggest? Which ones are the hardest to do? Please share with us in the comments below. You will not be hounded, prodded, or automatically added to my mailing list if you do so. And your e-mail address does not show to the public, only the name that you use. Feel free to send this blog to someone or to repost on social media, but please do so with the buttons below. If you want to repost any of my blogs on your own blog or website, please contact me for permission first.

photo by RBJ

Has anyone ever asked you, “Is the Light on in Your Marriage?”

About 15 years ago, a single young woman bought a cocker spaniel puppy from us. (We already had two grown dogs at the time and had agreed to sell this one for our older daughter).

Unfortunately, I had already become attached to it. When I watched that sweet puppy walk out of our lives, I couldn’t hold back the tears. Can you believe that? Before she left, my husband reached over and gave me a tender reassuring hug–nothing unusual.

A Marriage Like Yours

The young lady brought the dog back the next day. Her landlord refused to allow it into the apartment complex. As we talked, she said something totally unexpected: “Someday, I want a marriage like yours.”

“What do you mean?” I hardly knew the girl, and she knew nothing about my marriage.

“You know, the way your husband hugged you when I left yesterday. I could tell you love each other by the look in your eyes.”

Is the Light On?

It was a simple observation, but we got the message. People are watching our marriages to see if the light’s really on. Before that young lady left, we had the privilege of introducing her to the only Light we know–Jesus Christ.

Even the best marriages experience ups and downs. In fact, we were able to share with that young lady how God’s grace and light had kept us strong even through our times of darkness and greatest marriage mistakes. And we made plenty of those!

But the kind of relationship we have with one another tells a story to those who observe our marriages. And others will be watching. The little things, the big things, how we handle crises, how we treat each other–they all form a picture to those outside our relationship.

God’s desire is that our marriage picture Christ‘s relationship with the Church (the entire Body of Christ followers on earth). Jesus loved the Church and died for us. While we’re not required to give up our lives for one another in marriage, Christ does want us to demonstrate that kind of love to our spouse–an undying, steadfast, faithful-to-the-end love. (See Ephesians 5 for God’s blueprint).

What Kind of Testimony Does Your Marriage Give?

What kind of testimony does your marriage give to others? Do they see a picture of Christ and His love? Does your marriage light the way for them to a find a relationship with Jesus?

Plagued with failure? It’s never too late to begin again. Start where you are. Valentine’s Day is a great time to recommit your lives to each other.

Single? Pray for Others

Are you single? Would you commit to pray for marriages you know, that God would make them a strong picture of His love and a testimony to others of what Jesus did and can do in our lives?

Strong Marriages, Strong Families, Strong Nation

Strong marriages and strong families will make a nation strong, if they accurately picture the love of Christ to others. That “little light” of ours will become a lighthouse to others to help them find Jesus.

P.S. We kept that cocker spaniel. She brought lots of “puppy love” into our home for 11 years, long after the other two dogs had gone. We kept her as a reminder of the simple ways that God’s love–and our marriages can draw others to Him.

“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16 NIV

What about you? Is the light on in your marriage? I’d love to hear your comments below. You will not be hounded, prodded, or automatically added to my mailing list if you do so. And your e-mail address does not show to the public. Will you take a moment to encourage someone else?

Feel free to send this blog to someone or to repost on social media, but please do so with the buttons below, which will automatically include the link to my website. If you want to repost any of my blogs on your own blog or website, please contact me for permission first.

I’m happy to announce that the second book giveaway winner from those who commented on my blog, How to Accomplish More with Only One Thing, is Phyllis Yarborough. Phyllis chose to receive Day-votions for Women, from the Day-votions book series.

Watch for a second weekly posting soon in addition to my regular weekly blogs. I’ll be adding a “Promise for Today” post. No pictures, just a simple Bible promise to encourage you!

Photo by RBJ

I read Florence Littauer’s challenge years ago in her book, It Takes So Little to Be Above Average. But God reminded me of that principle in a truly simple way this week.

I had just semi-closed the misaligned door of the old armoire  in our bedroom. But as I rounded the corner to the hall, that book title popped into my head–as it sometimes does when I’ve given a half-hearted effort to do something.

You see, you don’t just “close” that door. You have to grab the bottom of the door, lift it up, and pop it into the proper groove before it will close tight all the way. And I admit, sometimes I just get lazy and leave it gaping open, rather than, um, make the above average effort to close it. 

Confession Time

Confession time. I don’t like to admit all the times when I selfishly or thoughtlessly choose in BIG areas (not just small ones) not to take the above average approach. But kindness, thoughtfulness, excellence, and love find their best expressions in the belief that it’s usually the little things that make the biggest difference in our lives. In a marriage, with our kids, for a neighbor, in our jobs, speaking or writing–no matter where, small things do matter. 

Oiling the Hinges

We all know those who seem to delight in bringing joy to others just by “oiling the door hinges”–sometimes silently and anonymously–or in this blog metaphor, closing the doors behind us, to make life smoother for another.

Great relationships thrive on little things: compliments, intentional caring behaviors, thoughtful deeds that say, “I love you!” Great businesses (and customers) grow and thrive through a series of small decisions and helpful attitudes.  

One of the many “little things” my husband does is to make the bed before I can. (He also “oils a lot of hinges.” A friend makes the effort to send encouraging notes to me through the year (and to scores of others), while another lets me know she’s praying for me at crucial times.

In a hundred little ways each day, wherever we are, we have the opportunity to wash feet, give praise, shut doors (or open them) in ways for others that are “above average.” If you’ve never heard of Johnny the Bagger and the Simple Truths of Service, watch this video, for a powerful picture of how someone used a small idea to make a huge difference. (Grab your kleenex–it’s worth watching repeatedly).

 Servant Spirit

You don’t learn how to be above average through compulsiveness, selfish ambition or competition. You learn it by focusing on others, through servant behavior. You learn it by watching the Master Teacher, Jesus, do His best work. Is it easy? Not really.

We All Struggle

While it may seem perfectly natural to some, all of us struggle at times to make a greater effort to “do the little things that matter,” in order to add value to someone else. Doing good to someone BEFORE they can do it to you is a great goal. Unfortunately, not many volunteer for the thankless job title of “Servant.”

But Jesus did.

Now some of you are chomping at the bit to add your timely suggestion: “Just fix the armoire door.” We might, eventually. It needs more than oiled hinges, however. But for now, that misfit of a door is a great reminder to me that it truly takes so little to be above average!

“Whoever wants to be great  among you must be your servant….just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve.” (Matthew 20:26, 28 NIV)

Okay, I need your help to finish this blog. In the comments section below, would you add your creative thoughts on one of these two things: 1. Share at least one practical way in which someone does (or has done) one of those “little” things that have made a difference in your life. Or 2. Fill in the blank and write your uplifting take to this statement: “It Takes So Little to ____________________________________________. You will not be hounded, prodded, or automatically added to my mailing list if you do so. And your e-mail information does not show to the public. Will you take a moment to encourage someone else?

As always, feel free to send this blog to someone else or repost on social media, as long as you do so using the buttons below (which will automatically add the link to my website). If you ever want to use one of my blogs as a guest post, please ask permission first.

Job loss, financial crisis, rebellious children, disappointments, rejection, unexpected illness–the list goes on. The list that is, we call bad. Is bad ever good? Can anything good come from a bad situation? That depends.

Some negative circumstances we readily recognize as good. You’re  involved in a car accident–minor injuries–but x-rays reveal a small tumor. Surgery can remove it and literally save your life. It’s in the early stages. You wouldn’t have known about the problem apart from the accident. Was the accident good? No. But good came from it. 

Many life-changing events don’t spell good, however. Some may want to throw stones if we even suggest it. But consider these possibilities. What good can result from these bad situations?

Job Loss

• Freedom to try a new vocation.
• Chance to pursue a long-time dream. (What have you always wanted to do but never would try?)
• Dependence on God and His provision as Jehovah Jireh, the God Who Provides. (Philippians 4:19). May allow others a blessing by using their gifts to minister on your behalf.

Major Accident

• Re-evaluation of your life: “Why am I still here?”
• Complete change of direction. A car accident that almost totaled my  husband’s car (when we were still dating as youth) turned his heart toward full-time Christian ministry. He never wavered from that decision at the age of 18.
• Even serious injuries can purify our hearts if we let God do His work.

Marriage Difficulties

• Reveals dormant (or prominent) marital issues that still need work. My husband I often tell couples that conflict can be positive, not always negative. It can simply mean there’s more growth potential in your marriage–lots of God’s grace still to experience. One of grace’s definitions to me is room to grow. God gives us much room to grow.
• Empathy for others. You can add this to almost any situation you experience. Successfullly working through (and even sometimes failing at) can open up areas of tenderness and ministry to others in similar situations. Because of a difficult marriage season in our own lives, my husband and I pursued training as marriage enrichment leaders years ago. God has so blessed as we’ve tried to help other couples and led marriage weekend retreats.
• Greater dependence on God and prayer.
• Deeper marital intimacy after you “hit the wall” and move past it. Runners often experience this halfway point where they must push past in order to succeed and even finish the race. With bodies screaming, and mind racing along with legs pumping, they may feel resistance with every move. But pushing past that “invisible wall” they move past the point of no return to success. It’s a principle you can apply to almost any bad situation if you want to move forward and realize the good.

Rebellious Kids

• New dependence on God and prayer support from others. God often forges friendships and support networks through mutual experiences.
• Opportunity to believe and see God work in seemingly impossible situations. Billy Graham’s son, Franklin Graham–who later called himself “Rebel With a Cause” in his autobiography–brought grief to his parents as a prodigal son. But God brought Franklin back, and he is now President of Samaritan’s Purse, an organization that has literally reached around the world for Christ.
• Revealing of deeper issues in realationships that can ultimately bring you closer to God and your children.

Loss of Loved One

• Deepened heart hunger for God and a new dependence on Him. Often results in a new longing for yur real home in heaven.
• Reevaluation of what is truly important in life (simplifying of priorities).
• Influence in making new laws/groups to help prevent tragedies that could have been avoided. (ex. MADD- Mothers Against Drunk Driving)
• Testimony to the unsaved. At one young man’s funeral, a relative challenged the friends of the deceased to choose Jesus. Eleven did.
• Opportunity to bring comfort and healing to others who have experienced grief as well. God used the testimony of my friend Susan who lost her teenage son and opened up a world of writing, speaking, and grief ministry.

Other Apparent Tragedies or Disappointments

• New, total dependency on God (as with all the situations above).
• Enlarged opportunities to show God’s amazing grace and power through our difficulties. The video on this site about Nick Vjuicic is a great example, or you can see more of his life here. Josh Hamilton, a Texas Rangers baseball player and recovering drug addict, shares his Christian testimony many places. One of those is called I Am Second.
• Empathetic heart that can help bring others through their difficulties.

Before you object with “That hasn’t happened to me. Nothing good has come from my situation!” remember God’s plans for you: ”to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV). And the good He desires may differ from your definition. But it will ultimately be good and bring good. In some cases, we won’t see–or understand–the good this side of heaven. But our omniscient God does.

Don’t misunderstand me. Few of us immediately pop up smiling from a tragedy or disabling situation with, “Praise the Lord!” Healing takes time, but bad can be good if we will ultimately trust God to “work all things together.” It’s not time, but God, that will bring the good He has planned all along.

A Matter of Choice…Or More?

It’s a matter of choice, right–how we respond to the negative circumstances of our lives? That’s the key. Yes and No. It is a response, and it is a matter of choice. But it’s more. It’s a desire. A deep down desire that longs, that craves, that chooses to trust God while we’re in the waiting room with Him–no matter what the outcome.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 NIV

What about you? How has God brought good out of a bad situation or experience in your life?

NEXT: FIVE QUESTIONS TO ASK WHILE WE’RE IN GOD’S WAITING ROOM

Have you ever tried to build a marriage with bricks? Encouraging words might help you do that. 

Today’s post is from a guest writer–my husband, Larry:

“To encourage or ‘edify’ literally means ‘to build a home.’ The writer of Proverbs said wisely, ‘A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver’ (Proverbs 25:11, NIV).  As you edify your mate, you are constructing your marriage, buiding a rock-solid foundation for your home out of love and consideration. How do you do that?

“Affirming words are strong bricks that build esteem in our mates, especially when we offer them with precise timing–like when Rebecca has just put on her dress and is looking at herself in the mirror with that ‘I-sure-don’t-look-as-good-in-this-as-I-used-to’ look on her face. Bingo! What an opportune moment to reassure her that I still find her extremely attractive. Or when I’m staring at my to-do-list with that ‘I’ll-never-get-all-of-this-done’ look on my face, it’s a great time for Rebecca to give me a word of thanks and encouragement for working to provide for her and the family.

“I remember a time in our marriage when I had resigned my position on our church staff and was trying to determine what God really wanted me to be doing. I felt discouraged and was wrestling with self-doubt. Rebecca and I were sitting on the couch in the den one night shortly after my resignation, when she turned to me and said, ‘You know, you’re really awesome.’

“‘I am?’”

“She began to enumerate the ways she considered me to be a blessing in life: the ways I supported her, the strength she drew from me, my sensitivity to the children, my wisdom as a spiritual leader. She piled up ‘apples of gold in settings of silver’ on me that refreshed and brightened me in a way that nothing else could have done. I got up the next morning ready to face the future with confidence.”1

That’s a short exerpt from the book Larry and I wrote together: Marriage Toners, Weekly Exercises to Strengthen Your Relationship.  We hope to have that book available soon on our website as an e-book. You can read more about it on our marriage enrichment page–as well as information on our marriage enrichment retreats. The principles in that book have transformed our marriage through the years, and we love encouraging couples any way we can!

I wish Larry and I could say we’ve always encouraged each other through uplifting, encouraging words. But probably like you, we forget easily. Your circumstances may differ completely from ours. It doesn’t matter. All couples need to work at “building the home” together. Maybe you, like us, need some quick reminders on how to do that. If so, practicing affirming words is a good place to start. Try building with these quick encouraging word “bricks”:

1. Catch each other doing something good, positive, or helpful. Brag on them for doing it!
2. Write down your spouse’s positive characteristics. Then compliment them in those areas often.
3. Find something good to say about your spouse daily–regardless of how your day went.
4. Think up an encouraging word picture that describes your spouse or how you feel about them (Song of Songs in the Bible is full of word pictures. You may just need to make yours more, um, 21st century-ish). Instead of saying, “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep…” (Song of Songs 4:2 NIV), you might say: “Honey, I love your beautiful smile! It’s like a bright ray of sunshine that lights up my heart.”

Everyone loves a good word.

What about you? What kind of encouraging “bricks” have you used to build your marriage?

1Larry & Rebecca Jordan, Marriage Toners